Properly Calibrated

Burger King French Toast Flavored Snacks

How exactly does one choose an order to eat (at least one bite each of) four bags of questionable snack food? I find it hard to conceive a scenario in which one of these bags would be consumed (first thought: post-apocalyptic grocery store pillaging — grab what you can before the mutants find us, etc. etc.), so in desperation, I resorted to “breakfast” first.

(Please note that my dear wife Shannon agreed to participate from her reading perch on the couch, upon the condition that I provide her with a Mountain Dew Throwback (there will be a future post about those) with which to rinse. Her opinions will be scattered throughout.)

The modestly-sized bag contains a surprisingly large amount of French Toast Flavored Snacks — enough to spill crystalline French Toastiness off of the salad plate I grabbed for photo-op purposes.

But enough about the bag! The French Toast Sticks themselves are surprisingly light - like that starchy cylindrical material that sometimes comes in boxes instead of peanuts or bubble wrap. (They might actually BE that packing material.) They don’t smell particularly like french toast; Shannon describes the aroma as “prostitute syrup” — that confuses me, so she explains that “if syrup was a designer fragrance, this would be the fake off-brand”. (You’re welcome to use Prostitute Syrup as a band name.)

The taste is initially offputting, because they — hang with me here — don’t taste like French Toast. The overwhelming taste is caramel, with an undercurrent of fake butter. The taste was actually a fairly accurate representation of Caramel Rice Cake, but probably far less healthy.

Verdict: high quantity per bag ratio; not terrible as long as you pretend they’re Caramel Rice Cakes

Burger King Onion Rings Flavored Snacks

That’s what the bag says — “Onion Rings Flavored Snacks”. They’re not onion rings, then, I guess? The terminology in general on these snacks is pretty offputting, like when a food’s packaging says it’s a ‘fruit product’, or has ‘chicken flavoring’. The guy in charge of obfuscating the artificiality of these things via creative wording is really not earning his keep.

The Onion Rings Flavored Snacks (ORFS from here on out) look exactly like the French Toast Flavored Snacks, except, you know, ring-shaped. We both agree that they smell more like feet than onion. Shannon takes a preparatory sip of Mountain Dew.

The taste after first bite (by the way, they’re definitely the same starch packing material as the French Toast Flavored Snacks) is SALT. Salt salt salt, which gives way to onion powder. I react negatively and throw mine in the trash on top of the French Toast Flavored Snacks. Shannon says the ORFS basically taste like Funyons. I’ve never eaten a Funyon. If you are into Funyons for some reason, and you have a Funyon craving while at a location that stocks these but not Funyons, I guess these are a good Funyon substitute?

Verdict: A good Funyon substitute, if for some reason you ever want to eat a Funyon.

Burger King Flame Broiled Flavored Potato Snacks

Hey, we’ve upgraded — these are Flavored POTATO Snacks! No more packing material (or, at least, a smaller percentage of packing material than potato material, or whatever the FDA guidelines require in order for the package to say “Potato” on the front)!

Well … this product is flummoxing. I am sure Burger King is aware that Potato Snacks exist already (typically known as Potato Chips), but this Snack Product appears to be from an alternate dimension where (heaven forbid) chips were never invented.

The snacks themselves are too thick to be called Chips — they look kind of like corn chips in the picture, but are definitely not those either. They’re potato discs of some sort. They’re not particularly crunchy. They’re heavy. And they taste like … well, here’s the thing.

Okay. So they’re supposed to be Flame Broiled Flavored? Is Flame Broiled a flavor? Aren’t Burger King’s hamburgers flame broiled, and their potato products fried in the usual manner? I don’t know. I also don’t know what these things are supposed to taste like.

What they do taste like is hard to describe. “These are the worst so far”, Shannon says. My current theory is they just have the same ‘flame-broiled taste’ powder that Burger King puts on their burgers (a substance which I now believe exists, thanks to these terrible potato discs).

Verdict: Eat some of these if you periodically crave Burger King burgers, and want to quell that craving forever.

Burger King Ketchup & Fries Flavored Potato Snacks

Ah, saving the best for last. Ketchup & Fries Flavored Potato Snacks. I like that a potato can be ‘fries flavored’. Isn’t that kind of a piece of beef that is ‘steak flavored’? (Burger King, please do not get any ideas.)

Well, here we go. The Ketchup & Fries Flavored Potato Snacks are clearly stamped from the same potatoey fabric as the previous Potato Snacks — but they’re rectangle — you know, like Real Fries!

Man, the picture doesn’t do these things justice. The reddish powder you see on there is more vivid and crystalline in person — it wouldn’t look out of place on a cupcake.

Now, I am aware that various real countries and one imaginary one (Canada) stock and sell ketchup-flavored chips and such. I’ve eaten them; I know what ketchup-flavored snacks taste like. However, these things reek of ketchup. The immediate taste is that of WAY TOO MUCH ketchup. All I can figure is that the Burger King Dried Ketchup Flavoring Ratio Consultant needs to be fired.

Shannon shrieked and spat her single Ketchup & Fries Flavored Potato Snack out into my hand. I think that’s a verdict, folks.

Verdict: Only 50% of the survey sample of willing adults were able to swallow one of these suckers.

And there you have it — the inaugural Food Entry on Properly Calibrated! I hope it was as good for you as it was for me. Awkward pause … and … scene!