Properly Calibrated

A quick scan of Wikipedia reveals some pertinent facts about Mr. Bell: he was a Marine in World War II (always an awesome thing to be) and started his first hot dog stand in 1948 (also awesome). Wikipedia also tells us that “shortly thereafter” (Wikipedia’s motto: “well, close enough”) he began selling 19-cent tacos out of a side window. I enjoy that whoever wrote this Wikipedia entry decided that dates weren’t that important to specify, but which window delivered which food item was essential knowledge. Journalism!

Between 1954 and 1955, he opened three Taco Tias in Los Angeles. The Spanish-English translator I just checked tells me ‘tia’ means ‘aunt’ or ‘a good old woman’ in Spanish, so it’s good to know that the Taco Bell tradition of bastardizing Spanish terms didn’t start until much later.

In 1962, Mr. Bell opened his first Taco Bell. I’d like to take this moment to say how disappointed I am that “Taco Bell” is named after Mr. Bell and not what I originally imagined: an actual traditional bell that would be rung to let Mexican farmhands know that that tacos were ready. Still, I insist that a Traditional Mexican Taco Dinner Bell would be a must-have for any large families that need to improved their execution on Taco Night. (That whooshing sound you hear is opportunity flying by!)

Mr. Bell actually sold all of his 868 Taco Bells (that’s a lot of Taco Bells) to PepsiCo in 1978. In the 90’s, PepsiCo handed over control of Taco Bell to spinoff company Yum! Brands, who then all piled into a clown car, dropped some acid, and solemnly vowed to make Taco Bell the capital of Marketing Crazytown by inventing such timeless terms as “Crunchwrap”, “Fourthmeal”, and “Chuhweezy”.

And there’s your history lesson. (Congratulations for reading your history lesson!) Anyway, what better way to pay tribute to Glen W. Bell Jr. than to visit a franchise that he hasn’t owned for 30 years and order some food he had nothing to do with? Let’s go!

Green Hot Sauce Packets

What the heck? Hot sauce packets are now green. I assume this is to differentiate them further from Fire sauce (red), but green implies (to me, anyway) that the sauce inside might be, I don’t know, green. Nope, same red hot sauce inside.

Anyway, the REAL problem with the Mild/Hot/Fire naming convention is that “Mild” sounds a whole lot like “Fire” when you’re yelling it over car engine roar to the cashier in the drive-thru. Just saying.

The Beefy 5-Layer Burrito

When I originally saw this advertised on a sign in Lake City, FL, the ‘5-Layer’ portion was missing the hyphen, so I immediately was intrigued by this mysterious “Beefy Slayer Burrito”. (Taco Bell: if you make a Beefy Slayer burrito, I will try it at least one time.)

This burrito marks a new high water mark for Ingredient Re-use: I’m not aware of Taco Bell ever offering an item with two tortillas. They’ve done hard shell / soft tortilla (the Double Decker line), hard shell / flatbread (Cheesy Gordita Crunch), and tostada shell / giant tortilla (Crunchwrap Supreme). The Beefy 5-Layer is constructed of the following:

• Beef
• Beans
• Shredded Cheese
• Sour Cream
• Tortilla
• Nacho Cheese (in between the tortillas)
• Another Tortilla

You, astute reader that you are, have no doubt counted more than 5 layers. That’s right — there are actually six layers (not counting the outer tortilla, of course). Even though the middle tortilla is technically inside the nacho cheese, it isn’t being counted as a layer! This is pure tortilla bigotry.

The Beefy 5-Layer Burrito is only 89 cents, which is pretty good for the amount of ingredients you’re getting. The sour cream melds with the nacho cheese to make the whole experience a little on the drippy side. The poor, neglected inner tortilla adds some much-needed structure, else this thing would probably just reduce itself to a puddle.

I’m not selling it well here … let’s try again. The Beefy 5-Layer Burrito is pretty good, and cheap! Try one sometime.

The Volcano Taco

When I was making plans to start this blog back up, I decided to have New Experiences as often as possible, because they’re more interesting for you to read and me to write about. This blog is about us experiencing things together, Internet! Isn’t that nice? Anyway, I have bigger things planned than a Volcano Taco, but this still counts, dang it.

I’ve never ordered a Volcano Taco, because it sounds (and looks) unappetizing. Its heinous (but very … illustrative) name is designed to imply Spiciness, as is the fire-engine-red shell. The color of the shell was actually very similar to the weird powder Ketchup & Fries Potato Snacks in my previous post. Somewhere in the basement of a food-production plant, scientists in pink-stained lab coats work tirelessly day and night to further refine the inhuman redness of their famed Red Red Red Powder.

Anyway, the shell didn’t actually seem to be spicy — there’s some sort of Zesty Sauce stuff on the inside that is. But the taste isn’t belch-flame-from-your-mouth spicy — it’s just slightly zippy, like someone pre-applied Hot Sauce to an otherwise normal (if your eyes are closed) crunchy taco.

So, The Volcano Taco isn’t scary, but it also isn’t interesting. Next!

The Cheesy Gordita Crunch

Fun fact: when promotional items are removed from the menu at Taco Bell, you can often still order them. Such is the case with this modern classic: the Cheesy Gordita Crunch.

The Cheesy Gordita Crunch consists of a Gordita Shell (um, flatbread) with a crunchy taco stuck to the inside via melty cheese. The taco also has some sort of Zesty Sauce on it (less spicy than the Volcano Taco’s Zesty Sauce (“Zesty Sauce” is just what I call any mysterious Taco Bell sauce that isn’t sour cream)).

Here’s what makes this thing actually decent: the melted cheese shell-adhesive is actual shredded cheese and not nacho cheese. So it is actually pretty Cheesy in the literal sense! Out of Taco Bell’s recent menu specials, the Cheesy Gordita Crunch has the most ridiculous name and the least ridiculous taste. Go Cheesy Gordita Crunch!

In Closing

Just think — thousands upon thousands go to Taco Bell every day and don’t realize that there is no such thing as a Mexican Taco Dinner Bell. Little do they know that there was a real Taco Bell, and his name was Glen William. Thanks, Mr. Bell. Yum Foods couldn’t have done it without you.